☀️I know that it's delicate...
A January letter on dancing in the car and moving forward.
✨Happiest of New Years, y’all! ✨
How are we doing? How did you greet the New Year? I feel like I’m still greeting it. We’re back home after a whirlwind visit to all of the people (and all of the covid tests) but I feel like I’m still moving slowly. It always takes me a long time to wake up. I like to lounge in bed for awhile, drink my coffee, do my wordle…anyway, anyway, this is not about my morning routine. What I want to tell you is about our trip home.
On New Year’s Eve of this year, we were somewhere in the middle of Ohio driving on Interstate 80, on day 10 of a 12-day-multi-stop road trip, about two hours into our six hour drive for that day, when I remembered thinking…
We’re doing it.
The kids were on a forced screen break to keep their eyes from rolling into the back of their heads. This always comes with much gnashing of teeth, by everyone, really. Long road trips are just easier when there is a screen in front of them. But we know what’s good for them so we try. We’re all trying. (Add that to the list of memoir titles.)
We’ve done different things on screen breaks–planned activities, surprise toys, audio books, podcasts. But today I wanted to listen to music. Not only does it usually cheer everyone up but it also allows me to turn the volume up just enough so it muffles the whining. Caroline had first pick–Olivia Rodrigo. Like her mama the girl loves a good emo moment. Elliott chose the Sing soundtrack, which reminded me how much fun a good soundtrack can be with all the variety of music. When it was Leo’s turn I convinced him he wanted to listen to Taylor Swift, Reputation, because of course that one is really big with three year olds (or their moms who try to convince them with “remember? It’s your favorite.”)
It was only when we got to “Look What You Made Me Do” and I was blasting the music at a likely dangerous volume level and dancing behind the wheel (do as I say, not as I do, children) that he regretted his decision and made this very clear in the way only a three year can. “NOT DIS ONE IT’S TOO WOUD!!!”
But before all of that–before the toddler started screaming and we caved and gave them their screens and I pouted that my musical talents weren’t being appreciated–before all that, it was lovely for just a moment. I remember when we got to the song “Delicate” and the steady beat tapped out a rhythm to my heartbeat that felt gentle, hopeful even.
The song tells the story of what it feels like at the beginning of a relationship–all that anticipation and butterfly heart love. That was exactly what I wanted for us at that moment.
Sure we were all stuck in a car and we were exhausted in all the ways traveling with young kids drains you to your core. But the car was filled up with love. In that moment we were driving, literally, into a New Year and all it’s hopeful possibilities. And even though we know we’ve been let down so many times before, we know it would be safer to stay neutral and chill, still, we can’t help ourselves. Like Taylor walking into a dive bar on the east side scarred by years of painful breakups, we want to believe this time, this trip, this year, will be different. And so we keep driving. There is no other way but forward. We crank up the music and we sing and we dance because how else are we going to get to the other side?
I remember looking in the rearview mirror and seeing the eye rolls of the pretending-to-be-embarrassed nine year old and the rock-out-head-banging of the six year old and the sweet humming of the three year old far too young to understand the lyrics but caught up nonetheless because music will do that to you. And a feeling swept over me of warmth that I knew I was going to need to carry with me into the New Year.
This is hard, I said to myself. You are tired and the road feels long. But you are not alone. Your people are here and you will get through this together. All you need to do is turn up the music and dance.
It was a benediction of sorts, written in the middle of the farm fields of Ohio, from me to myself and now to you.
Listen, friends, I know that it’s delicate (and all the Swifties whisper *delicate*.) Everything, even the things we can’t name. We feel like we’re holding our breath and juggling thin glass spheres of responsibility, and I don’t know about you but I’ve never been good at juggling.
But we’re still doing it. All of us. We’re doing it and we’re doing it together. We’re turning up the music, we’re dancing in our cars, and we’re moving forward. This IS for the best, I promise.
Cheers to a New Year, friends, and all its hope and anticipation and love.
P.S. This newsletter brought to you by Only Murders in the Building GIFs because it is the combination of laughter in the midst of death we need right now.
SPEAKING OF…
a series where I string together all the things I’ve been meaning to tell you.
Speaking of getting through…let’s start with a couple stories about soup:
1. The day before we arrived home from out long travels, my parents stayed overnight in our house in order to catch an early flight from Minneapolis. We didn’t get to see them before they left, but my parents left a pot of soup in the fridge for us. That meant that after a long day of driving, after unloading 2 weeks worth of shtuff in a car, all while dodging the below zero temperatures, there was a delicious pot of soup waiting to fill us up. I loved it so much I decided I needed to always have a batch of soup in the freezer waiting for us when we come home. Nothing cures exhaustion like warm soup.
2. Last week on a particularly exhausting day when all the kids were home due to weather and none of the news was cheery, a member of our church dropped off a bag of frozen soup and bread with a little note reminding us we were loved. Cue tears. It just reminded me how very important we are to one another. And also how important soup is in our life.
So, all that to say, if you need a hug in the form of soup, here is a roundup of some of my favorites. All would be excellent for freezing and then leaving for yourself, or on the porch for a friend who might need a tasty hug.
Speaking of tasty hugs…I was recently reminded how much I love these Vegan Crunchwrap Supremes. I make these with the soy chorizo from Trader Joe’s which is amazing. (I throw a cup of water in to make it a bit saucier.) Also, the cashew queso is bombtastic. I don’t worry about green chilis and instead just mix it with whatever salsa I have on hand. If you need something warm and cozy for dinner this is an excellent decision.
Speaking of warm and cozy…I was gifted a new fancy shmancy waffle maker for Christmas. I feel slightly guilty for breaking up with my Granny’s tiny little waffle maker she used to make me waffles when I was a little girl. It worked well at the time, but I’m ready for a grownup relationship with waffles. Admittedly, I don’t have any favorite recipes so please send me yours.
Also warm and cozy and like a hug in glass? This tea. Do you like lemon glaze cake? This one is for you. My friend Molly never steers my wrong. You can trust us.
And what to pair with that tea, you might ask? Oh these scones of course. I know I have shared them before. So that means you can trust me they are fantabulous (did you know that is an actual word?? I didn’t. I thought I made it up. I think I’m going to try to use it more often.) On a hard day, these scones were the self care I needed.
Speaking of self care…lets have some period talk, shall we? First of all, I’m using a menstrual cup now and I think I like it? It sure is nice to be free from tampons. But also it is messy. In other news, this was the year I set out to learn more about my cycle. I read this book and I track my seasons now and I have so many thoughts. But let me give you the short answer: learning more about my period has changed my life. I mean, duh. But also, why didn’t I bother learning more before? Well, I’m listening now. And I’m so glad. I want to write more about this but for now I’ll say look into this. This is the self care we need for our women.
Speaking of women…my sister in law introduced me to this women owned skin care line. She spoke highly of their Vitamin C serum and I hope to check that out after I finish up my bottle of Mad Hippie. Meanwhile, this lip balm is fantabulous and like a hug for your dry winter lips.
Speaking of fantabulous and hugs…these skates are, in fact, fantabulous and also a hug on your feet. This is not hyperbole. It’s as if I’ve been wearing stilettos to skate for all these years and then someone handed me a pair of uggs and said “try these.” You’ll be Nancy or Oksana or Tara or Kristi in no time. Unless you are a three year old who hates fun.
Speaking of ice…I received these ice sphere molds for Christmas and I am having SO much fun dreaming up what they can become. I’m offering up some options for Dry January in my cocktail account this month and trust me when I say beautiful balls of ice can make drinking even bubbly water feel fancy.
Speaking of fancy cocktails…Mike got me this cocktail cookbook which combines my love of the garden and seasons with cocktail and can you imagine anything more perfect for me? Also we gifted this cocktail cookbook that pairs saints and history with beverage recipes. Brilliant.
Speaking of brilliant pairings…not only are we having fun as a family with this game Elliott got for Christmas, but it also made for a fun late-night game with friends.
Speaking of games…you are wordle-ing, right? Why is this game so fantabulous?
Speaking of words…
A few essays I’m still thinking about:
“Even when you question, you are loved.
Even in your doubt, you are loved.
Even when all you can muster is wonder, you are loved.”
I wish there were more books on this list but other than finishing up my Christmas Hallmark Read-a-thon (this was a fun end of the year read), I don’t have any finished books to announce. What I need more of in my life is really, really good audio books. Send me your recs please. Meanwhile, this audiobook audition Nick Offerman did was fantabulous. (Gonna get that word in any way I can.)
And a few words by me:
On reading Harry Potter during advent.
I’ll send you off with a benediction of sorts that I wrote last year that found me again this year and maybe you need to find it, too.
As I wander into this new year, restless and curious, I wonder what it would be like to follow the light I don’t fully understand. I wonder what it would be like to feel empty but show up anyway. I wonder what gifts of nourishment, of story, of love, I might be holding in my weary arms, and what might happen when they are shared.
1. Waffle Recipe for when you plan ahead: https://www.saveur.com/article/Recipes/Yeast-Raised-Waffles/
2. Waffle Recipe for when you forget to plan ahead (aka 95% of the time): https://barefeetinthekitchen.com/homemade-waffles/
3. Next time we meet up let's add the "paying for content" article and how that all works to our discussion because that is 100% been taking over my brain lately.